And once again, I had this insane idea to get out of bed and write in lieu of pretending to sleep. =\ My silly broken body has grown too used to Lunesta that it doesn't have the same strength it did initially. Anyways, I know I said that I was intending on writing the story of Moretha, but I haven't had that same desire. I can feel it slipping away from me. Like water cupped in my hand, seeping through my fingers; not all at once, but enough to notice. That makes me sad. My little brother, the reader one, read the beginnings of the story and was all for it. I just can't. I sit at the computer, fingers poised over the keyboard and the words escape me. Irritating..

I yearn for the freedom to be, the freedom to live. I have the burning desire to be something, but lack the drive to push desire into motivation and ultimately success.

I feel stretched to my limits with familial issues. Talk about problems.. I have a brother who's only desire seems to be to get into as much trouble as possible, before he hits 20. He's got another year left; guess you better get that bad boy going. I have two other brothers who constantly wow and amaze the family with their intelligence. I have a younger sister who is making JROTC the center of her school-time, as I desperately tried for. I have yet another younger sister with an intelligence that would rock you off your feet. She asks the most intriguing and outrageous questions that even my mother has to tell her she doesn't know. I have yet another brother; intelligent (of course), witty, and sarcastic to boot. I have a mother who drives me so crazy and I yearn for her hugs every moment of the day. I have a former stepfather, who used to seem intent on ruining my mother's life, but I still love him endlessly. At least he saw me grow, unlike my own father. I have a stepmother I can no longer stand most of the time. Hypocritical and deceiving. Helping in one instance, and slandering the person in another. I have a father I seem to hold a grudge against because he wasn't there for me like he is for his sons. It drives me absolutely out of my mind with envy and a world of hurt. I begin to second-guess my worth. I have a man my mother is going to marry that I sincerely like. He's listened and given advice to me without really knowing me. He told my mother half the reason he loves her is because of her kids. I cried when I heard that. I have my mother's parents who are so caring and loving towards me that I feel I might burst when they are around and completely empty when they leave. I have my father's dad who spent many years in prison who lives an hour away from me, and I haven't heard or seen him since I visited my father last year. What a joke, huh? Dysfunctional, at it's finest.

My mind twists and turns with the possibles and impossibles. It is a maze that has roadblock upon roadblock. I pray for an ending, but get a wall.

I'm confused about the direction that my life is headed. I have a guy who professes a love for me I forced myself to believe was fake. I have another asking to marry me because I'm "an amazing woman, smart, intelligent, and a gamer" and he doesn't want to lose me. I have yet another I want purely for reasons I won't speak of, professing he loves me after a few short weeks of knowing me. I feel nothing of the same for him. There's another that I think is great, but I can't let myself be with him because I'm far to fucked up, I don't want to ruin him too. I try to avoid him, but it doesn't work. There's yet another that is absolutely amazing. I can have full intelligent conversations about meaningful topics with him, and not feel annoyed because he keeps up! Distances are a bitch, especially cross-country.  I think I'm better off alone, that saves a lot of hurting others.

At times I feel so overwhelmed with my thoughts that I panic and hide away from others. If it's so obvious for me, how do others perceive my odd behavior? I yearn for solace, but desire the company of others. I'm so conflicted.

I absolutely love my job, but I am so disheartened by my progress within my career. My 30 year career may be shortened to 6 due to my insecurities. I wish and work for excellence in all I do, but all I get is mediocre or less. I am the talk of my job, less than two years in and already more paperwork than most. I'm tired of my business aired out when I'm assured it's to stay between the parties involved. But I'm far to anxious to please everyone to ask them to stop. I'm hopeless, I'm a wreck. If I could spend my days locked away in my room, I'd gladly trade whatever I needed to do so.

I feel so hopeless at times that I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in a pool full of my insecurities and weaknesses. My clothes are lead, and I'm going no where.

I want to make it clear -- I'm not depressed. I'm lost, lonely and homesick beyond good reason. I'll find my path out of the darkness, I just know that it takes a few wrong turns to make it out. I'm just hoping that the light turns on soon. I described my life to my mother once as a long winding dirt road with occasional ruts. I walk with my head up and I fall into a rut. Frightened of becoming so confident and falling again, I walk with my head to the ground looking for the treacherous holes. After many miles of no holes, I look up. Confident, estatic. It's then I'll fall again. It's inevitable. Being realistic sucks sometimes. But living a lie is worse.

I'll fight through this feeling, I'll come out stronger. I won't let anyone hold me back. Hold up, I think I see the light.

I've been in a writing type of mood. Of course. So I've been debating if I should continue writing on Moretha's story on here. Just whenever the mood strikes me, a new blog becomes a new section of the story. Maybe I'll make another Xanga for that, specifically. Or go back to LiveJournal. We'll see. I'll sleep on it. On a side note, I started listening to old Disney songs.. I totally want all the movies now. I intend to get them! I already have Aladdin, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Lion King 1 1/2, Lion King 2, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Robin Hood, Sleeping Beauty, and The Sword in the Stone! So many more to be had! I even have Fern Gully, even though that's not a Disney movie, it's still a great kid movie!! I feel like a little kid! I love it! Anyways .. updates on the decision over the writings in the morn, probably. :) Niiiight.